I now realize that "CHANGES” don’t come WITHOUT costs. I had a brilliant idea that money could be used as an incentive for my kids. NOVEL IDEA! I arbitrarily decided (which is how I pretty much do most things) on an amount that could create an incentive and not burn a hole in my pocket. The boys would each earn $.50 a day by making their beds (meaning, pull covers up and pillow on), place yesterday’s clothes in the laundry room (separating whites from colors), bring dishes to the sink and take trash to garage. Through trial and error, I learned that weekly allowance wouldn’t work. We needed DAILY REINFORCEMENT, immediate gratification. They are SOOO like me….Not only that, they needed to actually see the money go from my pocket into their “bank” before they trusted that it was deposited. WHERE'S THE TRUST?
To me this was a NO BRAINER. Easy tasks to get them started. Basic chores that they SHOULD be doing anyway.
The idea of course was two-fold – doing things for themselves and earning money to spend money. I wanted them to feel the pain at the register when they purchased something that they REALLY, REALLY “needed” (at that particular moment). I wanted them to appreciate what things cost, and evaluate if they truly “NEEDED” it given the cost and how long it took for them to earn that amount. “DOES IT WORK?”, you ask. Oh sure. Louie is indebted to me for $80. And that was just WEEK ONE! It’s amazing how a child of 10 can run circles around a “child” of 48 (I was 48 when this occurred).
I actually had my child sign a statement that FORBIDS him to ask for anything more until his debt is paid off. Of course his birthday is next month. IS IT ME? Am I alone in this or do others experience the same NON-“stick-to-it-tiveness” that I seem to possess? The fact of the matter is, I CAN BE TOUGH. I keep insisting, though, that I "pick and choose" my battles. I can't fight everything. "Less" is more. WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN?
I also recognize that I have disrupted my kids' way of doing things when we decided I was "staying home". We've instituted structure and scheduling (a work in progress) with individual weekly calendars so each one knows exactly what they have going on. We have one child who does not like surprises or last minute "change-ups", and another who just likes a full agenda. We've also downsized the number of after school activities, curtailed game station time and threw in reading time. We even added a daily "work-out" routine with treadmill and jump-ropes. I particularly like that one. From the outside looking in, this is a thing of beauty. COULD IT BE THIS SIMPLE?
Was all that was needed was some STRUCTURE, some parameters, some rules? Actually, it’s me who needs the structure. My kids are going along for the ride. But, hey, the fact of the matter is, its been a year and they haven’t fired me!
Now mind you, not all of it is quite where I want it to be. In fact, I'm not sure any of it is, but I'm working out the kinks in my system of parenthood. I'm learning as I go along. I am also working on my JUST SAY “NO” philosophy. In fact, I no longer say, “WE’LL SEE” in response to ANY request my kids throw at me. For some reason they take it as “yes”. So now, I just say “no”. No expectations, no disappointments. WHO AM I KIDDING!!!
It truly is a work in progress....WHERE'S THE MANUAL? I truly thought this would be a “PIECE OF CAKE”. I figured I would incorporate the lessons of my parents – be nuturing, be available, be playful, and provide boundaries. However, I find myself constantly questioning what they did, and what is it that I am not apparently doing. I mean, I was a GOOD kid – obedient, respectful, cooperative, easy natured…..Now mind you, my kids are good, but they have THESE MOMENTS. I don’t recall having THESE MOMENTS. DID I HAVE THESE MOMENTS? My husband must have had THESE MOMENTS.
I also had to get over "ASKING" my husband for money. I use to put my paychecks into my own account, and that was that. I quickly came to realize that bank accounts don't just replenish themselves. They actually run out, and quickly. It didn't take long to get a notice from the bank that I was overdrawn. Needless to say, I was completely embarrassed by it and blamed Dean. The thing is, I never had to ask for money. I have the same access to our joint account, just never used it. I never needed to. And quite frankly, My husband's accounting methods are quite different from mine. His are MUCH MORE DETAILED, like noting each check # and writing checks in numerical order, dating each transaction, noting exact amount of each transaction, maintaining a running balance after each written check and/or deposit. He knows to the penny how much money is in the account. I kind of know… And you wonder why he calls me "Lucy" with that Ricky Ricardo accent....
I’m still adjusting to the fact that I DON'T need to stress out on Sunday nights, or be frightened to open my emails come Monday mornings because of some disappointed client or disappointing vendor. I'M FREE. I’m on a perpetual holiday. I am your “classic” middle-aged housewife. OH MY GOD! I’ve written it, but haven’t actually said it…. I’m turning 50 next March and not quite sure how I am going to handle that. As of this moment, “not so well”. People now say that FIFTY IS the new 30. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? Can I now do the things I did at 30? Do I have another 20 years before I’m considered “AARP-qualified”? OH MY GOD, I am qualified for AARP membership. I am totally in denial. It helps, too, to have elementary school children. I can’t possibly be 50 with kids not yet in high school, yet alone middle school.
Now my biggest dilemma is what project to take on. Remember, I NEED PROJECTS. I need structure. I need to feel a SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT. Or possibly its just so that I have something to offer when people ask me what I'm doing these days. It's pretty cool to say that I just completed decorative renovations of my first floor, with my own hands (and that of a friend). I'm finding myself explaining WHY I'm not working, rather than just boldly pronouncing my current "change". And its for no other reason than my own insecurity of what people may think. I'm turning 50, and I still care what people think????
Why is it so hard for me to say "STAY AT HOME MOM"? AM I ALONE IN THIS?
Maybe I do feel a LITTLE guilty not “working”. I recognize that “WORKING” is a relative term, but it has traditionally been viewed by society as the pursuit of one’s “EARNING” capacity. I have to say, though, that after paying our babysitter $70 last Saturday night, I’m starting to recognize my “earning” capacity. Traditionally, though, at least in the last 25 years, your work, in many ways, defined who you were. SO, WHO AM I?
I USE TO BE an attorney. Then I BECAME an automotive executive (when I entered my parent’s business), and then I WAS A marketing advisor. "Work" provided structure to my day, a sense of belonging, and became a great excuse when turning down mundane invitations or “Board” membership or “committee” requests. Work also provided talking points in a conversation. When all else failed, you could always ask, “So what do you do?” Through it all BEING A "MOM" was always there in the background. It COMPLETED me, but it NEVER defined me.
I realize for the first time that I am OUT of my “COMFORT LEVEL”. For me, its like walking into a room full of strangers and having to mingle, or being the “new kid” at a new high school in the 11th grade where everyone has known each other since pre-school except for you. Hey, I DID THAT! Who’s to say I can’t do it again.
I AM the mother of two elementary-aged boys. I am now the manager of my son's Classic soccer team, the co-chair of the school store and of the monthly Teacher Appreciation Breakfasts, as well as the school picnics and of the end of school staff lunch. I AM THE CEO OF OUR HOUSEHOLD. I'm just now "trying on" that title. I stole it from a friend...
It’s time to REDEFINE MYSELF AND MY COMFORT LEVEL.
To me this was a NO BRAINER. Easy tasks to get them started. Basic chores that they SHOULD be doing anyway.
The idea of course was two-fold – doing things for themselves and earning money to spend money. I wanted them to feel the pain at the register when they purchased something that they REALLY, REALLY “needed” (at that particular moment). I wanted them to appreciate what things cost, and evaluate if they truly “NEEDED” it given the cost and how long it took for them to earn that amount. “DOES IT WORK?”, you ask. Oh sure. Louie is indebted to me for $80. And that was just WEEK ONE! It’s amazing how a child of 10 can run circles around a “child” of 48 (I was 48 when this occurred).
I actually had my child sign a statement that FORBIDS him to ask for anything more until his debt is paid off. Of course his birthday is next month. IS IT ME? Am I alone in this or do others experience the same NON-“stick-to-it-tiveness” that I seem to possess? The fact of the matter is, I CAN BE TOUGH. I keep insisting, though, that I "pick and choose" my battles. I can't fight everything. "Less" is more. WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN?
I also recognize that I have disrupted my kids' way of doing things when we decided I was "staying home". We've instituted structure and scheduling (a work in progress) with individual weekly calendars so each one knows exactly what they have going on. We have one child who does not like surprises or last minute "change-ups", and another who just likes a full agenda. We've also downsized the number of after school activities, curtailed game station time and threw in reading time. We even added a daily "work-out" routine with treadmill and jump-ropes. I particularly like that one. From the outside looking in, this is a thing of beauty. COULD IT BE THIS SIMPLE?
Was all that was needed was some STRUCTURE, some parameters, some rules? Actually, it’s me who needs the structure. My kids are going along for the ride. But, hey, the fact of the matter is, its been a year and they haven’t fired me!
Now mind you, not all of it is quite where I want it to be. In fact, I'm not sure any of it is, but I'm working out the kinks in my system of parenthood. I'm learning as I go along. I am also working on my JUST SAY “NO” philosophy. In fact, I no longer say, “WE’LL SEE” in response to ANY request my kids throw at me. For some reason they take it as “yes”. So now, I just say “no”. No expectations, no disappointments. WHO AM I KIDDING!!!
It truly is a work in progress....WHERE'S THE MANUAL? I truly thought this would be a “PIECE OF CAKE”. I figured I would incorporate the lessons of my parents – be nuturing, be available, be playful, and provide boundaries. However, I find myself constantly questioning what they did, and what is it that I am not apparently doing. I mean, I was a GOOD kid – obedient, respectful, cooperative, easy natured…..Now mind you, my kids are good, but they have THESE MOMENTS. I don’t recall having THESE MOMENTS. DID I HAVE THESE MOMENTS? My husband must have had THESE MOMENTS.
I also had to get over "ASKING" my husband for money. I use to put my paychecks into my own account, and that was that. I quickly came to realize that bank accounts don't just replenish themselves. They actually run out, and quickly. It didn't take long to get a notice from the bank that I was overdrawn. Needless to say, I was completely embarrassed by it and blamed Dean. The thing is, I never had to ask for money. I have the same access to our joint account, just never used it. I never needed to. And quite frankly, My husband's accounting methods are quite different from mine. His are MUCH MORE DETAILED, like noting each check # and writing checks in numerical order, dating each transaction, noting exact amount of each transaction, maintaining a running balance after each written check and/or deposit. He knows to the penny how much money is in the account. I kind of know… And you wonder why he calls me "Lucy" with that Ricky Ricardo accent....
I’m still adjusting to the fact that I DON'T need to stress out on Sunday nights, or be frightened to open my emails come Monday mornings because of some disappointed client or disappointing vendor. I'M FREE. I’m on a perpetual holiday. I am your “classic” middle-aged housewife. OH MY GOD! I’ve written it, but haven’t actually said it…. I’m turning 50 next March and not quite sure how I am going to handle that. As of this moment, “not so well”. People now say that FIFTY IS the new 30. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? Can I now do the things I did at 30? Do I have another 20 years before I’m considered “AARP-qualified”? OH MY GOD, I am qualified for AARP membership. I am totally in denial. It helps, too, to have elementary school children. I can’t possibly be 50 with kids not yet in high school, yet alone middle school.
Now my biggest dilemma is what project to take on. Remember, I NEED PROJECTS. I need structure. I need to feel a SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT. Or possibly its just so that I have something to offer when people ask me what I'm doing these days. It's pretty cool to say that I just completed decorative renovations of my first floor, with my own hands (and that of a friend). I'm finding myself explaining WHY I'm not working, rather than just boldly pronouncing my current "change". And its for no other reason than my own insecurity of what people may think. I'm turning 50, and I still care what people think????
Why is it so hard for me to say "STAY AT HOME MOM"? AM I ALONE IN THIS?
Maybe I do feel a LITTLE guilty not “working”. I recognize that “WORKING” is a relative term, but it has traditionally been viewed by society as the pursuit of one’s “EARNING” capacity. I have to say, though, that after paying our babysitter $70 last Saturday night, I’m starting to recognize my “earning” capacity. Traditionally, though, at least in the last 25 years, your work, in many ways, defined who you were. SO, WHO AM I?
I USE TO BE an attorney. Then I BECAME an automotive executive (when I entered my parent’s business), and then I WAS A marketing advisor. "Work" provided structure to my day, a sense of belonging, and became a great excuse when turning down mundane invitations or “Board” membership or “committee” requests. Work also provided talking points in a conversation. When all else failed, you could always ask, “So what do you do?” Through it all BEING A "MOM" was always there in the background. It COMPLETED me, but it NEVER defined me.
I realize for the first time that I am OUT of my “COMFORT LEVEL”. For me, its like walking into a room full of strangers and having to mingle, or being the “new kid” at a new high school in the 11th grade where everyone has known each other since pre-school except for you. Hey, I DID THAT! Who’s to say I can’t do it again.
I AM the mother of two elementary-aged boys. I am now the manager of my son's Classic soccer team, the co-chair of the school store and of the monthly Teacher Appreciation Breakfasts, as well as the school picnics and of the end of school staff lunch. I AM THE CEO OF OUR HOUSEHOLD. I'm just now "trying on" that title. I stole it from a friend...
It’s time to REDEFINE MYSELF AND MY COMFORT LEVEL.
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