It’s amazing, isn’t it, that just when you’re ready to throw in the towel with parental responsibility, your child lands a zinger, and all you want to do is cradle them in your arms. How is it they know just when to “stop us in our tracks”? One minute they are truly on the verge of being “grounded” for eternity, and then all of a sudden, perform with incredible brilliance and/or insight. "Who are you" and "where the hell have you been?” is all I can wonder at those moments. How is it that such brilliance and maturity can be demonstrated when all we really want is an excuse to confirm the punishment that we had just, or was about to, administer? Are they that smart? Do they even know what they just did? Could it be that they finally acknowledged our exhaustive efforts of ‘parenting’? Not for a second…..
I know it’s a rhetorical question, but don’t you ever wonder just who’s parenting who. There are days when I question everything I do, and then there are moments when I think, “I’ve done something right”. I know that every parent claims to have their own approach towards child-rearing, whether it’s the ‘tiger-mother’s’ strict discipline, or the ‘helicopter parents’ hovering approach, or the organic, ‘it’s- ok-to-let-them-fall ‘free range’ method. Those aside, I am convinced it’s the kids who influence our ‘methods’ of madness. It’s the ole, ‘what came first, the chicken or the egg’ concept. Did we intentionally institute a discipline to rear our children, OR, did our children’s behavior manifest our style of discipline? Personally, and quite obvious from my previous blogs, I have no approach. Some would even suggest that I have no discipline. I guess if I were forced to put a label on my ‘method’, it would be “what mood am I in today”. Not sure it’s the best method, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it. And, everything I have read concerning “parenting” stresses that kids need consistency. If nothing else, I am consistent.
Actually, what we are told, over and over and over again, are that kids need ‘structure’. I mean, it’s quite obvious as every grocery-store-magazine article, and every child psychology book, and every afternoon talk-show, consistently places “structure” as THE fundamental necessity for raising children. And to think all this time, I thought it was ‘love’…. But ‘structure’ has become such a complicated concept. Oh, I know, on the face of it, it appears rather mundane and harmless. You tell yourself, “It’s just a matter of instilling discipline by promoting consistent boundaries and routines”. Yeah, right….
If it’s truly ‘structure’ that our children need, then why do they fight us when we give it? As my son would say, “I know, right? “
So, if our children need ‘structure’, what do WE need? Remember way back when, when we all excitedly signed up for “prenatal” classes to learn how to breath during labor? Please, don’t leave me out to dry. Tell me that you did at least ‘intend’ to take those classes. That you were on the waiting list….I admit it, I took the class(es). And I'm here to tell you just how ridiculous they were. Did we really use the technique? Looking back, don’t those classes seem like a ‘tourist trap’? Who falls for that stuff, except, of course, ME? I mean, really, when your spouse attempted to ‘coach’ you, as did mine, how close were you to decimating him? I just needed one breath to say, “Epidural”, and everything else fell into place. As asinine as those classes were, however, I could truly benefit from breathing classes NOW. I would like to know what the suggested breathing technique is during the midst of a heated situation with my child. Is it better to do the “3-rapid-and-one-long-breath” approach, or the “deep-breathing-until-you-get-light-headed” approach? I need to know the suggested technique while reading an unfavorable note from the teacher? Would it be best to take the “one-long-deep-breath-with-eyes-closed” method before responding, or the “pierced lips-breathe-through-the-nose” method? I need to know how you should breathe when both boys are verbally and physically abusing each other and totally ignoring my rage. “Epidural”?
I realize that I detoured a bit from the initial focus of today’s blog, but that is somewhat consistent with my discipline…. As my husband would say, “welcome to my world”!
I’m not quite sure what the focus of my rambling is, but I can tell you what it isn’t – consistent… Nothing has been consistent, starting with each of my pregnancies to the birth of each of my children, to the way we continue to raise them. It’s so hard to believe that if our kids are all genetically programmed from the same parents, that they could be SO different? Where is the theory of “consistency” when you really need it? You finally come to terms with the behaviors and personalities of the first child only to be blind-sided by your second. That’s just not right. Quite honestly, I didn’t really expect each to walk at the same time or even potty-train at similar ages. It was fine that one was born with green eyes while the other’s changed to brown. It was equally fine that one favors his right hand while the other is a true lefty. Shouldn’t it be enough, though, that one child enjoys a well balanced diet while the other can’t bear the sight of any non-carbohydrate. And, shouldn’t it be enough that one child likes sleep-outs while the other prefers his own bed? Shouldn’t it be enough that one child relishes competition while the other is just happy to be playing? And, that one is a natural leader while the other is content to follow? Shouldn’t it be enough that one child enjoys the spontaneity of life while the other anguishes over change? Or, that one will accompany his mom to “chick-flicks” while the other cringes at any public display of affection? Obviously, the answer is “NO, it’s not enough!” Not when one child readily accepts the boundaries that are imposed while the other challenges any roadblock. Not when one child acknowledges parental authority while the other hungers for control. So tell me, how do you structure a common discipline when there is no consistency? “Epidural!!!”
In closing, if we believe that we are all created in god’s image, what does that tell us about god? I think attention deficit issues are more deeply rooted than originally thought. I’m just saying….
I know it’s a rhetorical question, but don’t you ever wonder just who’s parenting who. There are days when I question everything I do, and then there are moments when I think, “I’ve done something right”. I know that every parent claims to have their own approach towards child-rearing, whether it’s the ‘tiger-mother’s’ strict discipline, or the ‘helicopter parents’ hovering approach, or the organic, ‘it’s- ok-to-let-them-fall ‘free range’ method. Those aside, I am convinced it’s the kids who influence our ‘methods’ of madness. It’s the ole, ‘what came first, the chicken or the egg’ concept. Did we intentionally institute a discipline to rear our children, OR, did our children’s behavior manifest our style of discipline? Personally, and quite obvious from my previous blogs, I have no approach. Some would even suggest that I have no discipline. I guess if I were forced to put a label on my ‘method’, it would be “what mood am I in today”. Not sure it’s the best method, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it. And, everything I have read concerning “parenting” stresses that kids need consistency. If nothing else, I am consistent.
Actually, what we are told, over and over and over again, are that kids need ‘structure’. I mean, it’s quite obvious as every grocery-store-magazine article, and every child psychology book, and every afternoon talk-show, consistently places “structure” as THE fundamental necessity for raising children. And to think all this time, I thought it was ‘love’…. But ‘structure’ has become such a complicated concept. Oh, I know, on the face of it, it appears rather mundane and harmless. You tell yourself, “It’s just a matter of instilling discipline by promoting consistent boundaries and routines”. Yeah, right….
If it’s truly ‘structure’ that our children need, then why do they fight us when we give it? As my son would say, “I know, right? “
So, if our children need ‘structure’, what do WE need? Remember way back when, when we all excitedly signed up for “prenatal” classes to learn how to breath during labor? Please, don’t leave me out to dry. Tell me that you did at least ‘intend’ to take those classes. That you were on the waiting list….I admit it, I took the class(es). And I'm here to tell you just how ridiculous they were. Did we really use the technique? Looking back, don’t those classes seem like a ‘tourist trap’? Who falls for that stuff, except, of course, ME? I mean, really, when your spouse attempted to ‘coach’ you, as did mine, how close were you to decimating him? I just needed one breath to say, “Epidural”, and everything else fell into place. As asinine as those classes were, however, I could truly benefit from breathing classes NOW. I would like to know what the suggested breathing technique is during the midst of a heated situation with my child. Is it better to do the “3-rapid-and-one-long-breath” approach, or the “deep-breathing-until-you-get-light-headed” approach? I need to know the suggested technique while reading an unfavorable note from the teacher? Would it be best to take the “one-long-deep-breath-with-eyes-closed” method before responding, or the “pierced lips-breathe-through-the-nose” method? I need to know how you should breathe when both boys are verbally and physically abusing each other and totally ignoring my rage. “Epidural”?
I realize that I detoured a bit from the initial focus of today’s blog, but that is somewhat consistent with my discipline…. As my husband would say, “welcome to my world”!
I’m not quite sure what the focus of my rambling is, but I can tell you what it isn’t – consistent… Nothing has been consistent, starting with each of my pregnancies to the birth of each of my children, to the way we continue to raise them. It’s so hard to believe that if our kids are all genetically programmed from the same parents, that they could be SO different? Where is the theory of “consistency” when you really need it? You finally come to terms with the behaviors and personalities of the first child only to be blind-sided by your second. That’s just not right. Quite honestly, I didn’t really expect each to walk at the same time or even potty-train at similar ages. It was fine that one was born with green eyes while the other’s changed to brown. It was equally fine that one favors his right hand while the other is a true lefty. Shouldn’t it be enough, though, that one child enjoys a well balanced diet while the other can’t bear the sight of any non-carbohydrate. And, shouldn’t it be enough that one child likes sleep-outs while the other prefers his own bed? Shouldn’t it be enough that one child relishes competition while the other is just happy to be playing? And, that one is a natural leader while the other is content to follow? Shouldn’t it be enough that one child enjoys the spontaneity of life while the other anguishes over change? Or, that one will accompany his mom to “chick-flicks” while the other cringes at any public display of affection? Obviously, the answer is “NO, it’s not enough!” Not when one child readily accepts the boundaries that are imposed while the other challenges any roadblock. Not when one child acknowledges parental authority while the other hungers for control. So tell me, how do you structure a common discipline when there is no consistency? “Epidural!!!”
In closing, if we believe that we are all created in god’s image, what does that tell us about god? I think attention deficit issues are more deeply rooted than originally thought. I’m just saying….
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