Next Chapter continued.....
When our oldest son was first born, I started a journal, entitled, “So, What have you been doing lately?”, in an effort to capture his “firsts” of everything. Initially, it was a daily ritual as everyday brought truly new developments. Nothing was too mundane to be included - everything from his facial expressions to his body movements, to his mumbles of words, to his sleeping patterns. I wrote and wrote and wrote, capturing every detail - his first foods, his first step, his first haircut, and, yes, even his first poop in the potty - worrying that I would miss something that was too precious to ever forget. We took scores and scores of pictures, capturing the mood of the moment. I continued writing through the birth of our second son, but the “entries” and the pictures became further and further separated by exhaustion, lack of time and lack of desire. We always said it was good that we didn’t have a third child as the poor thing would have no history to look back on. Months would inevitably go by before I found myself with piles of scrap paper noting “signature events” that should not be forgotten, with every intention of inputting them before the moment was completely lost. Many times the moments got lost. It’s been eleven years since I wrote my first word, and over 2 years since I wrote my last, but its been forever since I actually sat down and re-read “history”.
After having recently flipped through some of the entries, I now realize that it was the best thing I ever did, perhaps as much for my kids as for me. Sure, I WANT them to read about all the nights we suffered through trying to ignore their cries while “training” them to go to sleep; the separation anxieties with babysitters, pre-school and day-camps; the traumas of their first fat lip, the hospital emergency rooms, and their first fall; the distress over their first ear infection, fever and diarrhea; the guilty feelings of leaving them for the first time, and every time thereafter; the trials and tribulations of potty training; the hours of mass cleaning from spilt milk, thrown food, and even the peanut butter-painted kitchen table and chair. And that was just in the first two years. I have not yet scratched the surface, and yet, I now realize that those were the easy years.
In a week I will be turning 50. At the end of this school year our oldest son will be graduating from elementary school. In a year’s time we will be celebrating his Bar Mitzvah. In August, our youngest will have attained a two-digit birthday. . Wasn’t it yesterday when they were small?
When did things begin to move so fast? When did days turn into years? When did “mommy” turn into “mom”? When did we stop worrying about sleeping patterns and begin to stress over anxiety disorders? When did a kiss stop being as necessary as the bandaide? When did a $15 “Cartoon Cut” turn into highlights and a styling process? When did chicken tenders become steak? When did the “Barney song” give way to Lady GaGa and the Black Eyed Peas? When did an hour in the bath with Baby Shampoo turn into a shower with AXE body wash? And, when did it go from ME closing their bedroom door to keep noise out to THEM closing their door to keep parents out?
I’LL TELL YOU WHEN – WHEN THEY GOT ATTITUDE!!
It went from, “mommy, you can do no wrong” philosophy to “mom, you don’t know anything” . Are you kidding me?? Are you seriously kidding me???? I know a lot of things (that THEY apparently DON’T know). I KNOW that I’M the parent and they’re the kid. I KNOW that it’s MY turn to get to make the rules, and it’s theirs to accept them. I KNOW I get the last word in any discussion, no ifs, ands, or buts. I KNOW that desert is (usually) after dinner. I KNOW that chocolate is NOT a bedtime snack. I KNOW that bedtime is well before the 11pm news. And I KNOW that I AM smarter than my 5th grader. I TOTALLY KNOW THIS STUFF. I do, really…. In fact, I just assumed we were all born with these innate disciplines, not something you had to learn, just something you knew. I was so looking forward to “parenting” my children with these basic principles. As far as I was concerned, it was my “right of passage”, and my time had finally come. But something went terribly wrong --- ATTITUDE…..
Are my kids the only ones with ATTITUDE? Since when does “NO” mean “maybe”? Since when does “NO MORE” mean “once more”? Since when does “NOW” mean “much later”? Do we not speak the same language? Did I do something wrong? Did I not eat properly during my pregnancies? Did I not sing to them in the womb? Did I not avoid all forms of alcohol and caffeine for nine long months? That certainly proved to be a “Why Bother”.
As with many of my questions, I found myself seeking answers (more like affirmation that I’m not alone) from a “higher” learning – GOOGLE. Based on the magnitude of literature, I can safely say that I am truly not alone. However, as comforting as that might have been, my bigger concern was that if ATTITUDE is a “learned” behavior, as it was so noted over and over again, did they learn this from ME? No “F”-ing Way! I’ve got a GREAT attitude. I take it once a day with water!!!
Seriously though, it was a bit overwhelming, and a bit disconcerting to see NOT JUST the quantity of literature that was offered, but the apparent NEED for it. Everything from “Fix-It” and “How-To” guides, to “parenting” approaches, programs and even tests that supposedly help children develop a positive attitude –
“Fix Your Child’s Attitude”, “Kids with Attitude Problems”, “How to Change Bad Attitudes,” “Take the Bad Attitude Intelligence Test”, “Developing a Positive Attitude in Children – a guide for parents…”, “Raising Good Kids, tips for encouraging good principles and attitudes in your children”, “The Total Transformation Program, simple, step-by-step techniques for giving your child the structure he needs to solve his problems and improve his behavior now,”
and my personal favorite, “13 Words that Play a Large Role in the Development of Your Child’s Attitude”.
Only 13 words? Who knew? You would have thought by now that with all the words I have spoken, and rather loudly at times, that I would have at least voiced two or three of the 13. Apparently, you must need all 13 for this to work (and quite possibly, only those 13)!
The ironic thing is that many of the things that I’ve come to learn, I now realize that I got from my kids. It’s taken years of training (me, not them), and practice (ongoing). For instance, I know I’ve become their punching bag when they need to “let it out”. I know when they need a best friend when playmates are not what they are looking for. I’m aware of their need for boundaries and their need for space. I know when they need a hug, and when they just need a wink of an eye. I recognize the first signs of a meltdown and the first signs of frustration. I recognize the moment when they “get it” and I know when enough’s enough. I know when to hold on, and am just beginning to be cognizant of the need to let go. I know when to ask questions and I know when to wait for just the answers. I know when to push and I know when to yield (not easy). I know when to TAKE a “time-out” and I know when to GIVE a “time-out”. I know when to “stay on the sideline” and just be a face in the crowd, and I know when to be seen. I know the signs of their individual “cries for attention”, and their signs when seeking redemption. I almost recognize the moments when I’m being manipulated, and most times know when it’s genuine. I do recognize their “cries” for independence and yet still recognize when they need to be “coddled”.
I have learned that “attitude” is very much a "learned" behavior, as much from them as it is from me. I have learned that I have not yet scratched the surface!
And, I know, when all else fails, I call MY mom!
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