Next Chapter continued.....
Who honestly thinks that “TIME OUT” is a good method of punishment? OK, maybe “punishment” is not the appropriate word – how’s, “disciplinary tool.” Whatever. The real issue is whether it works for you --- let me rephrase that - does it work in the way it was designed to be used?
I owed it to myself to do a little research on this topic in an effort to better understand the principles behind this tool and perhaps even recognize where we went wrong. So, as with everything else, I Googled it. The consensus was clear –
TIME-OUT is said to be a “mild” form of punishment, the purpose of which is to isolate or separate the child for a short period of time in order to allow the child to calm down….
I get it that TIME-OUT is suppose to eliminate yelling and screaming (I think on the part of the parent, but doubtful). I get it that it’s a far less aversive tool than physical punishment (yeah, yeah, yeah, but is it as effective?), and I get it that it’s effective only if used in a consistent, disciplined fashion (but who’s got that kind of time, and really, who’s that disciplined?). BUT then again, look who’s dishing this out – trained professionals! They had to go to school to understand this discipline. “TIME-OUT” requires a learning process, training. These are not natural tendencies. They’re not innate. I didn’t grow up with “TIME-OUT”. “Time-out” was a term I learned from watching the Redskins, not “The Nanny”, which wasn’t even around. My parents dispensed punishment the old fashion way – by “guilt”. There’s nothing like walking into your house way after your curfew, with your mom standing at the door with a cup of coffee in her hands, not saying one word as you painstakingly pass by her. It’s enough to know that SHE knows. And forget about the feeling of crippling regret as your parents issue their complete letdown in your behavior. There was nothing worse than their obvious disappointment. But, that stuff doesn’t work anymore. That’s “old school”. I don’t know when it changed, but some time after my giving birth, something went terribly wrong. At some point in time, that trusty “guilt factor” transferred from child to parent. I’m the one feeling guilty when I’m too strict because they really are deserving of whatever I’m not allowing. I‘m the one feeling “guilty” when I’m too lenient as it may hurt them in the long run. I‘m the one feeling “guilty” when their homework is not complete because I’m too lenient (I told you it would hurt them in the long run). I’m the one feeling “guilty” if their grades are below our expectations as it’s a reflection on my oversight skills. Who can function under these circumstances???? Is it any wonder that “TIME-OUT” does not work in our house?
I have since realized that my approach has been all wrong. In my infinite wisdom, I truly believe the focus has been instituted “ass-backwards”. Too much emphasis has been placed on the “CHILD”. Yes, you heard me, ON THE CHILD. Don’t berate yourself for not recognizing this sooner. It was only just brought to my attention by one of my own kids. In the midst of instituting a TIME-OUT (more like "get the h--l out...." Same thing.) to my 11 year old for some “random act of unkindness” towards his younger brother, he countered with,
“you’re so unfair. You always take his side. I didn’t do anything. He’s lying. I’m not going anywhere. You go.” (guilt, guilt, guilt)
It was those magic words, “You go” that transformed my approach.
“What did you say?” (responding more with curiosity than stern indignation).
“I didn’t do anything wrong. You came in here yelling and screaming at me without seeing what happened. You always take his side.” (true, but usually rightfully so).
Well, duh uh. What parent is in the room when bad things happen? If I were in the room, it wouldn’t have happened. You have to go on instinct. And my instinct told me He’s at fault. Why else would my 9 year old be lying on the ground in a fetal position, wincing in obvious pain and grasping for air in-between deafening cries, while my 11 year old remained totally engaged in his Legos without any concern for his sibling. INSTINCT. I got nothing else to go on.
It was then that he suggested that I take a TIME-OUT, actually more as a defiant challenge than a suggestion. Now, I recognize that most parents would view his rebuttal as being disrespectful, defiant and even rude. All elements that TIME-OUT is suppose to address. All elements that I am suppose to address (and I do, really, I do). And yes, he was all those things, so deserving of nothing short of extreme punishment. But sometimes you tire from fighting the same battles. And that’s when it hit me. My research also emphasized (however, not nearly enough) that
the TIME-OUT technique is just one method of discipline, and most likely one that will have to be modified to fit one’s own parenting style and one that fits with your child's temperament. If it isn't working for you, then you should look for a different discipline technique or a different way of using this one.
I wasn’t ready to “throw in the towel”, so I went with “a different way of using this one”. What’s the one thing that your kids want from you no matter what? You could be in the heat of the battle, and yet they still need you to take them to soccer practice, pick them up from school, have dinner ready, help with homework, or just BE AVAILABLE. So, what happens if we just removed ourselves from AVAILABILITY…. I found out that they sit by your bedroom door until you re-appear. Yes, the child who STOOD his ground not 30 minutes ago, the one who was obviously possessed by the devil himself, the one who just (30) minutes ago was talking trash, the same one who was defiant, disrespectful and rude, was up against my door anxiously awaiting my return. My “return” to AVAILABILITY. I had locked him out, as if I had run away (novel idea).
Its brilliant! “TIME-OUT” is NOT just a tool of punishment, but rather of ENTITLEMENT! Think about it. I obviously have. Why should the kids enjoy those moments of silence and undistracted quiet? What do we get out of it? Is that really a punishment? I mean, why don’t we just force them to have a glass of wine and relax in a tub of bubbles? Or better yet, MAKE them get an hour massage.
And while we’re at it, lets review the whole “time element” issue. Just how long is a ”short period of time” when instituting or enjoying “TIME-OUT”? Just coincidentally, the subject was raised during my son’s recent doctor’s appointment. I was delighted to know that our doctor found it equally advisable for parents to indeed “surrender” (my term, not his) to their children and gently (yeah, yeah, yeah) close the door behind them for some much needed solitude. However, little did I know that there is a general rule-of-thumb as to the length of ANYONE’S “TIME-OUT”. Who knew? Depending on one’s perspective, you’re either entitled (my perspective) to, or must endure (my son’s perspective) one minute of time-out for every age that you are, so says the “good” doctor. I’m no rocket scientist, but that seems rather short. And, once my son figured out that he only had to endure eleven minutes of solitude, he confirmed my own apprehension, “it might just be worth being bad. Eleven minutes is nothing.”
Exactly who came up with this formula? One minute per year? This is no mild punishment. It’s a “why bother”. I’m stressed just thinking about the fact that I only have 11 minutes to de-compress. How are you suppose to drink a bottle of wine in 11 minutes? It’s no wonder that screw-top wine bottles are back in fashion, but, hey, that’s not responsible drinking. You certainly don’t have time to luxuriate in a tub of water, especially if you want it to be warm water. And that certainly doesn’t give you sufficient time to call your spouse and lay into him for his obvious role in this matter, not to mention his obvious responsibility.
I realize that I have taken liberty with the obvious intended focus of “TIME-OUT”, namely the kids, but in my heart, I do believe that the full intent of this discipline was not limited to the them. What parent would consciously institute a behavior tool that didn’t benefit THEM??? For THIS reason I decided that “TIME-OUT” should be a parental “right”, if not a ritual. AND a "right" based on our age. That’s when I became thankful for my later-in-life, child-bearing age. Go ahead and make fun of my AARP status. And, it’s enough already with the “50 is the new thirty” attitude. Been there, done that. Its not that thirty was bad, it’s just that, in this instance, 50 is better. I’ve got twenty more minutes to “clear my head”. I’m flattered that you don’t think I look my age (you don’t, do you?), but I WANT MY FULL ALLOTMENT OF MINUTES. I’ve earned every last one of them. And, even on those days when everything is absolutely perfect (“perfect” being a relative term) parental time-out is still warranted because, hey, you’re just as stressed knowing, and waiting for, the inevitable to occur.
So now, its dispensed by me, for me…..
It didn’t take long for the good doctor to bring attention to me as he asked my son, “so, how many minutes should your mom take during her time-out?” Little did the doctor know with whom he was dealing. As if rehearsed, and with a totally straight face, my son said, “29 minutes”. OK, I CAN LIVE WITH THAT!
Who honestly thinks that “TIME OUT” is a good method of punishment? OK, maybe “punishment” is not the appropriate word – how’s, “disciplinary tool.” Whatever. The real issue is whether it works for you --- let me rephrase that - does it work in the way it was designed to be used?
I owed it to myself to do a little research on this topic in an effort to better understand the principles behind this tool and perhaps even recognize where we went wrong. So, as with everything else, I Googled it. The consensus was clear –
TIME-OUT is said to be a “mild” form of punishment, the purpose of which is to isolate or separate the child for a short period of time in order to allow the child to calm down….
I get it that TIME-OUT is suppose to eliminate yelling and screaming (I think on the part of the parent, but doubtful). I get it that it’s a far less aversive tool than physical punishment (yeah, yeah, yeah, but is it as effective?), and I get it that it’s effective only if used in a consistent, disciplined fashion (but who’s got that kind of time, and really, who’s that disciplined?). BUT then again, look who’s dishing this out – trained professionals! They had to go to school to understand this discipline. “TIME-OUT” requires a learning process, training. These are not natural tendencies. They’re not innate. I didn’t grow up with “TIME-OUT”. “Time-out” was a term I learned from watching the Redskins, not “The Nanny”, which wasn’t even around. My parents dispensed punishment the old fashion way – by “guilt”. There’s nothing like walking into your house way after your curfew, with your mom standing at the door with a cup of coffee in her hands, not saying one word as you painstakingly pass by her. It’s enough to know that SHE knows. And forget about the feeling of crippling regret as your parents issue their complete letdown in your behavior. There was nothing worse than their obvious disappointment. But, that stuff doesn’t work anymore. That’s “old school”. I don’t know when it changed, but some time after my giving birth, something went terribly wrong. At some point in time, that trusty “guilt factor” transferred from child to parent. I’m the one feeling guilty when I’m too strict because they really are deserving of whatever I’m not allowing. I‘m the one feeling “guilty” when I’m too lenient as it may hurt them in the long run. I‘m the one feeling “guilty” when their homework is not complete because I’m too lenient (I told you it would hurt them in the long run). I’m the one feeling “guilty” if their grades are below our expectations as it’s a reflection on my oversight skills. Who can function under these circumstances???? Is it any wonder that “TIME-OUT” does not work in our house?
I have since realized that my approach has been all wrong. In my infinite wisdom, I truly believe the focus has been instituted “ass-backwards”. Too much emphasis has been placed on the “CHILD”. Yes, you heard me, ON THE CHILD. Don’t berate yourself for not recognizing this sooner. It was only just brought to my attention by one of my own kids. In the midst of instituting a TIME-OUT (more like "get the h--l out...." Same thing.) to my 11 year old for some “random act of unkindness” towards his younger brother, he countered with,
“you’re so unfair. You always take his side. I didn’t do anything. He’s lying. I’m not going anywhere. You go.” (guilt, guilt, guilt)
It was those magic words, “You go” that transformed my approach.
“What did you say?” (responding more with curiosity than stern indignation).
“I didn’t do anything wrong. You came in here yelling and screaming at me without seeing what happened. You always take his side.” (true, but usually rightfully so).
Well, duh uh. What parent is in the room when bad things happen? If I were in the room, it wouldn’t have happened. You have to go on instinct. And my instinct told me He’s at fault. Why else would my 9 year old be lying on the ground in a fetal position, wincing in obvious pain and grasping for air in-between deafening cries, while my 11 year old remained totally engaged in his Legos without any concern for his sibling. INSTINCT. I got nothing else to go on.
It was then that he suggested that I take a TIME-OUT, actually more as a defiant challenge than a suggestion. Now, I recognize that most parents would view his rebuttal as being disrespectful, defiant and even rude. All elements that TIME-OUT is suppose to address. All elements that I am suppose to address (and I do, really, I do). And yes, he was all those things, so deserving of nothing short of extreme punishment. But sometimes you tire from fighting the same battles. And that’s when it hit me. My research also emphasized (however, not nearly enough) that
the TIME-OUT technique is just one method of discipline, and most likely one that will have to be modified to fit one’s own parenting style and one that fits with your child's temperament. If it isn't working for you, then you should look for a different discipline technique or a different way of using this one.
I wasn’t ready to “throw in the towel”, so I went with “a different way of using this one”. What’s the one thing that your kids want from you no matter what? You could be in the heat of the battle, and yet they still need you to take them to soccer practice, pick them up from school, have dinner ready, help with homework, or just BE AVAILABLE. So, what happens if we just removed ourselves from AVAILABILITY…. I found out that they sit by your bedroom door until you re-appear. Yes, the child who STOOD his ground not 30 minutes ago, the one who was obviously possessed by the devil himself, the one who just (30) minutes ago was talking trash, the same one who was defiant, disrespectful and rude, was up against my door anxiously awaiting my return. My “return” to AVAILABILITY. I had locked him out, as if I had run away (novel idea).
Its brilliant! “TIME-OUT” is NOT just a tool of punishment, but rather of ENTITLEMENT! Think about it. I obviously have. Why should the kids enjoy those moments of silence and undistracted quiet? What do we get out of it? Is that really a punishment? I mean, why don’t we just force them to have a glass of wine and relax in a tub of bubbles? Or better yet, MAKE them get an hour massage.
And while we’re at it, lets review the whole “time element” issue. Just how long is a ”short period of time” when instituting or enjoying “TIME-OUT”? Just coincidentally, the subject was raised during my son’s recent doctor’s appointment. I was delighted to know that our doctor found it equally advisable for parents to indeed “surrender” (my term, not his) to their children and gently (yeah, yeah, yeah) close the door behind them for some much needed solitude. However, little did I know that there is a general rule-of-thumb as to the length of ANYONE’S “TIME-OUT”. Who knew? Depending on one’s perspective, you’re either entitled (my perspective) to, or must endure (my son’s perspective) one minute of time-out for every age that you are, so says the “good” doctor. I’m no rocket scientist, but that seems rather short. And, once my son figured out that he only had to endure eleven minutes of solitude, he confirmed my own apprehension, “it might just be worth being bad. Eleven minutes is nothing.”
Exactly who came up with this formula? One minute per year? This is no mild punishment. It’s a “why bother”. I’m stressed just thinking about the fact that I only have 11 minutes to de-compress. How are you suppose to drink a bottle of wine in 11 minutes? It’s no wonder that screw-top wine bottles are back in fashion, but, hey, that’s not responsible drinking. You certainly don’t have time to luxuriate in a tub of water, especially if you want it to be warm water. And that certainly doesn’t give you sufficient time to call your spouse and lay into him for his obvious role in this matter, not to mention his obvious responsibility.
I realize that I have taken liberty with the obvious intended focus of “TIME-OUT”, namely the kids, but in my heart, I do believe that the full intent of this discipline was not limited to the them. What parent would consciously institute a behavior tool that didn’t benefit THEM??? For THIS reason I decided that “TIME-OUT” should be a parental “right”, if not a ritual. AND a "right" based on our age. That’s when I became thankful for my later-in-life, child-bearing age. Go ahead and make fun of my AARP status. And, it’s enough already with the “50 is the new thirty” attitude. Been there, done that. Its not that thirty was bad, it’s just that, in this instance, 50 is better. I’ve got twenty more minutes to “clear my head”. I’m flattered that you don’t think I look my age (you don’t, do you?), but I WANT MY FULL ALLOTMENT OF MINUTES. I’ve earned every last one of them. And, even on those days when everything is absolutely perfect (“perfect” being a relative term) parental time-out is still warranted because, hey, you’re just as stressed knowing, and waiting for, the inevitable to occur.
So now, its dispensed by me, for me…..
It didn’t take long for the good doctor to bring attention to me as he asked my son, “so, how many minutes should your mom take during her time-out?” Little did the doctor know with whom he was dealing. As if rehearsed, and with a totally straight face, my son said, “29 minutes”. OK, I CAN LIVE WITH THAT!
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